Weird
by ChilaliSnowbird
Summary: On Samhain, the veil thinnens and the faerie can leave the Underground. And boy, do they ever. Sarah wishes they wouldn't. Utter crackfic excusable only by further caffeination.


Summer was already on the vane at the time of what Sarah Williams' Big Adventure. It gave in to autumn, and as autumn dragged on and eventually prepared to pull up its wet socks and bugger off, All Hallows' Eve came around in all its pumpkin decked glory. Sarah had always been the kind of girl who happens to be on a first name term with everyone at the town library, and her passion for the written word had by no means decreased just because some of her fairytale dreams had proved to have a little more basis in reality than she was largely comfortable with. In fact, ever since that fateful night she had felt a strong need to read more than ever before because some people just don't know when to quit and she had a most curious feeling that the Goblin King was one of those people indeed. Oh, and a sore loser to boot. As the evening rolled around and the streets filled with cheery kids in colourful costumes, Sarah awaited the inevitable.

All Hallows' Eve, or Samhain as the pagans would say, was one of those nights where the veil between the worlds was at its thinnest, and she figured that if His Majesty was going to turn up, whether to torment her or to repeat his cryptic offers of eternal servitude, this was going to be the night of his chosing. Maybe not so much because of the whole thin veil thing, not like that stopped him in the past, but because no matter where she ran off to, no matter how big a crowd she tried to hide in, he would be able to pass himself off as just another costumed candy hunter.

With her usual sense of dramatics Sarah had dressed up in her white fairy princess gown and poised herself in what she hoped was a suitably graceful and dignified lounge on her bed, her room illuminated only by white candles and every toy that reminded her of the Underground swept into a cardboard box under the bed, the statue that resembled the King at the bottom. She had sprayed a bit of rose air freshener around and even put on a CD of soft, romantic mood music.

She kept her chin up and her posture calm as about twenty goblins in all sizes and shapes hopped out of her wardrobe and she managed to not even look dazed when a few fieries followed suit. The signs they were carrying, however, startled her somewhat. "No More Dirty Diapers", one read. "Bog the Bog", another suggested. She particularly liked the "Glitter is Gay" one that a small goblin paraded, although she doubted that the reference was to joyous merry-making. That said, she had no idea whether homosexuality was frowned on in the Underground but those tights that the King favoured certainly reminded her of a certain stereotype of male ballet dancers.

"Just passin' through, lady!"

"Coming through, coming through!"

"Which way to the candy?"

The chaos collectively continued from the wardrobe and downstairs. Sarah heard her stepmother scream and a dull thud that presumably meant that there would be no more Karen sightings that evening. A kitchen door rattled as someone emptied out the candy stash meant for trick-or-treaters before running out the front door and out into the street.

Okay, Sarah told herself. That was weird. She quickly gave the room a tidy-over, kicking a few dropped shoes and helmets in under the bed as well, and sprayed more air freshener; did goblins never bathe?

Her room exploded in glittery flowers. Roses, lilies, gardenias, and just about anything else that would make an interior designer giddy with glee floated down into so many piles of scattered, scented petals as six elegant, willowy ladies materialised in front of the bed. A seventh materialised on Sarah's desk chair and did a remarkably ballet-esque dance before failing to find her balance and ending in the petal shower with a small oof.

They were unearthly, all seven ladies pale with perfect features and porcelain skin, and long silvery-blonde hair done up in arrangements that defied gravity. Their beautiful dresses glittered, their priceless jewellery tinkled, and their upswept eyebrows and arched eyes clearly identified them as belonging to the same species that the Goblin King did, whatever that was.

"Are we there yet?"

"It's her! It's her!"

"Ow!"

"Help us!"

Sarah gaped. This was even weirder.

One of the ladies was pushed in front by the other six. She curtseyed deeply. "Lady Sarah, you must help us! You are the salvation of womankind everywhere in the Underground!"

"I'm what?" Sarah replied stupidly.

The fae ladies tittered daintily at each other. "You have been to our world, Sarah. You've seen how they are!" The front lady looked indignant and impossibly cute. "Prancing around in impossibly tight breeches, thinking they own everything, expecting us to wait on them hand and foot, locking us up in towers, rescuing us from dragons, giving us nothing to do all day but embroidery and lace making, it's horrible!"

"Wait, you don't want to be rescued from the dragons?"

The fae rolled her sparkling blue eyes. "Well, yes, but it'd be nice if there was other ways they could show their devotion. You Aboveground girls get to go out for a movie and pizza!"

"Pizza," another murmured dreamily. "With anchovies, and screw the bad breath."

Sarah grimaced as the wind picked up and a roll of thunder was heard in the distance. Quickly she turned to the small host of impossibly lovely beauties. "Go hide in Toby's room!"

Like so many sparkling, glittery, breath-taking swishes of magic the fae maidens sped out the door, their dainty slippers making little clicking noises as they ran.

Weird, weird, weird.

Next to turn up quite uninvited was a small but sizeable horde of tiny men and women who flitted around so fast among each other that Sarah could not keep her eyes on any of them for more than two seconds before losing the face in the crowd. They swarmed out of her wardrobe much like ants that spotted a picnic basket, shouting and leaping and zooming around.

"Frakka frakka!"

"Whatsitwalkawalka aardvaark!"

"Ohmigoshteriyaki!"

Lightning cracked the sky.

"Shit," Sarah cringed. "Quick, you lot, go check out the bathroom, it's got new tiles!"

Like so many killer bees on a mission of revenge, the pixies disappeared.

Hecka weird.

When a sizeable swarm of tiny winged Tinkerbells showed up a few seconds later Sarah was beyond staring. "The kitchen," she instructed them. Surprisingly, they took off in that general direction, not counting a few who sped out the window, no doubt to become casual victims of the candles in pumpkins on the porches of the neighbouring houses.

Lighting cracked again, and a barn owl sped in through the window, circling the room once before stretching out to take on the shape of a man. Sarah held her breath, awaiting the inevitable smirk, sensual laugh, and/or scathing comment that was bound to follow the Goblin King's manifestation. With a queenly nod she beat him to it. "Oh, it's you."

"Hello, Sarah," he purred, resting his arms on his hips in a posture of dominance and otherworldly superiority.

She held up her notepad. "One. I'm not going back with you. Two. You have horrible fashion sense. Three. You can't have Toby. Four. I'm too young. Five. If you don't think I'm too young you're a pervert. Six,"

"Yes, yes," Jareth interrupted her recital. "I don't have time for all that, Precious. I have to find several residents of the Underground and drag them back home by their pointy little ears, escape the Women's Liberation Front of the Underground who for some reason have it in very personally for me, and I think that strange smell is caused by a burning fairy."

"Actually, it's rose scented air freshener – "

"Come, come, not important, let's get on with it, I really need to be going."

She straightened in her seat and held her chin high. "Well, fine. You have no power over me."

"Thank you!" He turned to leave and then paused. "Oh, by the way, can I use your bathroom? I left home in quite a hurry."

"Help yourself," Sarah said.

Too bloody weird.

The phone rang. Talk about bad timing, Sarah thought as she reached for the receiver while her otherworldly visitor exited her room, black cape swirling at his shapely ankles.

"Hi Sarah, it's me, Jill, hey, some of us are going out trick and treating, want to tag along?"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea, Jill, the house is kind of full of people and – "

A thud followed by a chorus of piping, fast-speaking voices spewing out curses ensued from the general direction of the bathroom, quickly followed by a beautiful female voice shouting, "I knew we came to the right place!"

Sarah peered at the door to her room and then at the phone. "I'll be there in five."

A/N: Yes, yes, I know. It's silly, it's stupid, and I should be too ashamed of it to show it to anyone. However, since I'm currently out of kerosene and matches, I'm posting it. Blame the coffee.


End file.
